RIP Hanley: The true Story, first heard here!!

So the Red Sox released Hanley Ramirez yesterday and it’s the end to a semi era. We drafted him, traded him away for the prime of his career, then reaquired him via free agency for a 100+ million contract that he would never earn. Dustin Pedroia came back from the DL and a spot needed to be made on the roster for our favorite scrappy second baseman.

Rumors had Dumbrowski searching for a trade partner to move Swihart bc he has no options left to send him to Pawtucket and would have had to be placed on waivers where the former first round pick would have surely been lost.  Brock Holt does have options left but he’s more versatile and has been crushing the ball at a .333 Clip. Not to mention how much better the family section looks with his wife there. So it was assumed they would release Swihart and get nothing in return if they couldn’t find someone to make a deal with. Problem being every other GM in the league knew our dilemma. Why trade away an asset when you can get him for free.  Swihart is a solid player and you don’t want to lose him for nothing. Ramirez has been struggling, 0 for his last 20 and batting just .254 on the season. Truth be told he’s hit dingers but has been sub par average wise and in the field since we got him back a couple years ago.

I think I speak for the Boston community when I say we were shocked when we heard Hanley was the one to go. He’s a high profile 22 million dollar a year player that can carry a team at times. And eating the rest of his contract would be like taking a kidney shot. Not the best Ramirez we have had, that being Manny, obviously ?!!

So why Hanley?? Well the Globe, owned by the Red Sox,  and the Herald for that matter, would have you believe it was all about his vesting option. If Hanley reached 495 at bats this season it would activate the option for another 22 mil in 2019.  He was certain to reach that since he was already at 195 at bats this season.  So release him and save the lizoot!! Made sense to me and every other red blooded Bostonian.

Except here at Public Puck we are dedicated to the truth

and our loyal readers. And consuming numerous beers on a holiday weekend. So while i was doing much consuming and hoping to catch a general sherman like bass

I was informed of the truth from one of my sources that has direct knowledge of the situation and you will read it here first. Truth be, I mean allegedly, Hanley is in a little trouble with the boys in blue!! ?!! Allegedly, it’s ugly and being covered up for the time being until the investigation is complete. Apparently Hanley runs with a rough crowd!! So rough his boys live in Lawrence!!

Allegedly, Story has it his boys were driving his car when when one of Massachusetts finest pulled in behind them.  I’m guessing they figured they were safe driving his car. When the automated plate scanner ran the car it would come up as Hanley and they would be left alone. Except this alert trooper, probably being a little star struck glanced at the driver and realized it wasn’t Hanley.  After waiting for a “driving infraction” he tugged them over. Upon reaching the passengers window to request License and registration the driver informed him he was driving Hanley’s car and proceeded to call Hanley. Hanley answered the call!! I have to admit I asked no questions when being told the story so I have no idea what transpired between this moment and the eventual search of the vehicle but I do know what was found in said car. Piles o Fentynol!! Down goes Frazier, I mean Hanley!!

I refuse to go into a breakdown of what Fentynol is but it’s a synthetic Chinese engineered drug that dealers put in heroine bc of how cheap it is to produce and the “high” it creates. Less heroine in the baggie means higher profits for the dealer. Who cares that you can actually overdose just touching the shit!!

Seems like a strange coincidence that since the event took place Hanley is 0-20!! Maybe dude is scared shit he’s facing a long sentence in a maximum security facility and can’t see the spin on the ball anymore. Hanley is a big dude so I don’t see him being a power bottom but no one wants to live behind bars. Allegedly the Sox brass was informed of the incident and Swihart’s fate within this fine organization was saved.

You will notice that Superman and Shakey both start with S, but I’m not claiming we are one in the same. We just both believe in Truth, Justice, and the Public Puck, I mean American way. Allegedly!!

Just guessing breaking this story earns us our well deserved press pass. So looks like we are headed to the Super Bowl Weevey!!

—Mr Shake, Rattle, and/or Roll

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